i love you.

You are my sheild, my strength, my portion, deliever, my shelter, strong tower, <3
why have i been so blind with how much you love me?
you called to me and i decided to not listen. I decided to not pay attention.
i decided to walk away.
since i was so used to that
i was scared you'd walk on on me.
but that was a lie.
you would never walk on me.
but that lie was fed to me
and i ate it like it was a piece of cake.
or candy.
why did I believe the lie?
i can't bare to see who i was,
my past
but you somehow can love me for me
and everything i've put you through
and did to myself.

I love you
unconditionally.
forever<3
i promise<3

fighting

as quick as it starts things start to end.
as quick as the war starts, it soon ends.
maybe in it's time, but it ends.
But your fight never gives up.

<3 keep fighting.

I miss you, David.

David,
Good News, Your mom and I have started talking. She seems like a very enjoyable women to be around. I can't wait to meet her. I miss you. There are some days when I just wish I could hear your voice again. Where the only boy that had my heart was you and that' was all that mattered. You're still my big brother and I carry our memories in my heart forever. I carry you in my heart forever. Your smile, and joyious laughter I carry in my spirit. I must say that I am completly jealous that you got to meet the man that created us first. I wonder day after day how he is. Would you tell him I'm sorry. But knowing him, our daddy he already knew.

David I'm hurting inside. I've pushed God away slowly after loosing you. Not even knowing it. I find it a battle inside my heart that continusly Goes on. It's like i'm fighting for you and yet i'm forgetting how to fight for myself. It's so hard to think that you aren't here anymore. It's so hard to think that even though we haven't talked in a year, forever so much longer.

I'm trying to tell people how i feel, and talk to people about it but I can't find the strength to talk about it. I haven't really blogged about it in a while. It's like I have been in denial about it the whole time. I told myself I would write letters to you and put them in a box someone gave me since that would help, and I haven't stayed committed in that. I feel bad. It's like I'm rejecting the feelings that i need to go through during greving. I'm sorry, i'm not like your other friends, where they smoke in your memory. You should know me david, never touched a drug in my life or drink.

You admired me for that. Remember? Well I'm still keeping my distance from drugs and alcohol. I promise. For you<3

You would be so proud of me. I'm starting to understand life a little bit. I'm not saying that i will, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. I find it a little cool yet scary. I miss you david. I wish you were here. Your daughter misses you. I know that for a fact because I can feel it. Remember when I told you that sometimes i can feel other people's pain and you looked at me weird and then i told you I was a christian and you smiled and understood, well she misses you. ALOT. probably more than anyone. She looks exactly like you David. Beautiful.
I'm sure you miss her.
I know you miss her.

Your mom is trying David. She misses you alot. She's told me. She has good days and rough days. I think she just wants to know you're okay. Please let her know. For a mothers sake. I know how hard it is for her. If im struggling then i know your mommy is also. Give her a sign to let her know you're okay. Please let me know. I just want to know you're happy and smiling.

I love you David Daniel Dawson. Kathy told me the story about how you came up to her one day and said your rapper name is Triple D because you have 3 d's in your name. Clever you.

I miss you sunshine<3
I love you.

i can make it

It'll be okay,

You're not alone...

For the past few days, I have been not writing as much, but not just that but listening to saosin. I forgot how much I liked them and their music. So my favorite song is "You're not alone". and it's been helping me cope through things. I feel as though I've been so distant from Jesus and I don't want that. I want him back, With my closer! So, that's going to changed.!
Jesus, daddy, I want you closer to me.

It's just like him
To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching
For any sign of the ones he used to love
He says he's got nothing left to live for
(He says he's got nothing left)
And this time I think you'll know

You're not alone
There's more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

She's just like him
Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies shes been fed
She's searching for no one (but herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy that she is her
And this time I think you'll know

You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out

(There is more to know)

We're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

(So tell them)

You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
You're not, you're not alone

it's okay...

It's okay you saw him wednesday.
It's okay that he didn't call you thursday.
Today is a new day. Calm down. Put your mind to rest.
Lord, please help me keep these negative thoughts away.
Help me to block them out. They serve no purpose.

satan get away from me.
get under my feet for you are not even close to being worthy to enter into my thoughts.

Honey,
It's going to be okay. Today is a new day.
Stop thinking about the worst when it's not even the case.
He's still near you. He still loves you.
he promised. and he keeps his promises.

You'll talk to him today, and it'll be okay.
Calm your nerves.

I promise it's okay.
rely on daddy<3
rely on him<3
he's the only one who can help you deal with this, that and your sisters.
You can do it. TRUST ME!

it's been a while.....

It's been a while since I've blogged and I really think that I need to keep up with the blogging since it keeps me sane. Well at least so i can jot down my thoughts and feelings. I seriously think that I should become a writer. Become a writer to jot down everything.

HA I feel like Harriet the Spy.
I've just been dealing with the loss of David and since my eating has gotten bad I just am really like just hurting, if that makes sense.

I mean one of the older girls here pulled me over and like brought it to my attention and like It hurt knowing that I am so gym motivated but can't control my eating. WOW that hurts. And i need to break the family curse. I am open to suggestions.

I just.....

i miss him.
is this normal?

do i really not deserve to be happy?

i miss long island.
i feel like i don't deserve to be happy
and people keep wanting me to rush getting over my friends death.


JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
SATAN BACK OFF, NOW! YOU WILL NOT TAKE ANYMORE FROM ME!

stand in the rain....

that's what i need. To just stand in the rain. Stand in the rain with my face up to the heavens as the cool rush of rain drops hit my face. Just to scream into the rain by my favorite lake is what i need. I really wish that it would rain a day that I'm free so I could just go to the lake and let the rain hit my face.

Oh, i wish....

i love you. endlessly

I'm getting there.
i think?!

i'm starting to feel human