Something Old turns into a reflection thought...

I was reading my past blogs, and I came upon one that I wrote in September 2008. It was a vision I got during Prayer once. I know that GMC doesn't read this but I still will Blog. Sorry ahead of time if i curse but i'm letting it out.

The vision i once had was this..Every time my heart beat a light shot out like ripples in the water. And It wasn't shining bright nor was it going far and God's voice said "Daughter, this is how your light is". And with hearing that I started crying. The voice simple said so sweetly "This is how I want it to be" and with that my light shone brighter and went farther.

This vision, I let go of. I got involved with a boy who broke me, and took me away from something that I worked for, fought for, and bled for. I went thru late night crying sessions, to staying up at night gnashing my teeth and shaking my fist. I worked to where God wanted me to be.

He put me in the next step of walking with him and instead of going foward I WENT BACKWARDS. How can I ever forgive myself or even trust myself again.

I miss feeling God. I miss feeling unconditional love from God. I miss being a warrior, and fighting battles for me and my future and my future family. What happened to me?

I'm lost :(

New life, New Day

It's time for a new Katey.
I mean I'm not changing completely that would just be crazy talk :)
but I'm changing a lil bit about me.
I have a new boyfriend who's patient with me and just overall amazing. It's as if God literally has sent him to me. He means alot to me. But that's not the only reason why I'm writing. A few more reasons are that Life is starting to pick up. It's like I had to go thru heartbreak and being broken in order to be rebuilt again. I lost myself in Devan and I really didn't know where else I could go, since I lost myself when him and I broke up. Ya know? He told me that I changed and he wanted "his" Kate back, but in reality I'm the same Kate but I'm moving on with me life. I'm starting my life over. I'm not going to hold onto something when I can't change it. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future, but what i do know is that Paul and I are going to be in it together.

I do need to start blogging again, even if it's just a small post.
It helps and i feel better.
I love you<3
just be patient with me.

I'm tired of Defending what I've become

This is my letter to you.

You say you don't even know who you are anymore and everyone is saying you changed. I thought they were wrong, but you proved to me they're right. I tried to Defend you and not let you take the Hits, but all that got me was a broken heart and being ripped to shreds. You ran after a girl who talked so much shit about you and was willing to do everything in order to get you back. Well congrats to her she succeeded. She made you cheat a girl you "loved" but the way you prove it, is not enough.

It seems as though your willing to give everything you once knew or had for a girl that's not even worth 2 minutes of life. The way she is, I fear has turned you into someone I cannot be near. You destroy peoples hearts and take out your hurt on them when in reality you should be dealing it within. You say you love her and you'll do things to spend your life with her but how many times have you said that to me, did you mean it at all? You have been my best friend for almost a year, and I can't believe i don't even know you.

It's like your trading me for something you think is completely better. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but no one said I was. I'm sorry I'm not as skinny, but i'm doing something about it. I'm sorry I could never give you what she could but that's just not my style. I'm sorry I left, but I needed to fix my own life.

I love you dear, but I can't always be there. I gave you everything I could and It seemed as if it was never enough. I gave you my heart, and my soul. I traded everything I had for love that wasn't even going to last. If I knew we weren't going to stay strong I would of never trusted you as much as I did. You completed me, and made me feel whole, but that spot that you left can only be filled by God.

You broke me to a million pieces and didn't even bother to say sorry.
Well she fought for you and she won you, but she did it the wrong way.
YOU DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S BOYFRIEND in order to make him love you.
I could pray the same happens with you, but i'm not cruel like that.
Instead I know the truth of what may happen in the future, and that's something I'll hold onto because It' will be the only way.

To the Girl who took my Love,
I hope your content in what you do. Your a little slut, and whore who needs the wrong things to complete you. Congrats on winning a boy you never knew. I didn't fight back because I'm not like you. I thank God that I'm different and will one day change the world because when your stuck at home high as a cloud not having a future, You'll be seeing me on The T.V. making a difference and realize I never needed your approval.

Bye for now, Best of luck to both of you, This Shit isn't my drama but it's your burden to bear.