is it normal?

Is it normal to not want to forget everything that's happened in the past? I mean well, the past 2 1/2 months. I'm starting to get use to this, and I'm starting to read him & not try to push myself on him. When he says he needs to go and he'll talk to me later, I'm okay with that when before I'd pretty much force him to talk to me, i guess that's why him and i fought so much. He needed time to blast music and think and be alright. I just want to be there for him. I care about him, I like him, I love him.

I don't want to attempt to say "goodbye" to him ever again since I really don't like those words. I just want him to be encouraged and know that I'm real and me being there for him is real. I want him and I to be okay, even if we have to start over (which we pretty much did).

I guess I really just don't want to lose him for good.
i really don't.

2009 isn't what i hope it'd be

neither was 2008, 2007, or 2006
and I've really come to realize that I have been through hell and back in these past 4 years than I ever have in my life.
In the past 4 years I have been
-almost killed
-tried drugs
-smoked constantly
-had my heart broken more than 5 times
-trusted someone who broke me
-cut myself
-went through changes
-hated God
-loved god
-transformed
-went to Gettysburg Masters Commission
-burned bridges
-destroyed almost every friendship or relationship i ever had
-fixed some
-left some alon
-ran away
-almost killed myself
-got an amazing boyfriend
-broke up with the amazing boyfriend
-made some new friends
-lost some fantastic ones
-discovered who I am
-pushed people away
-almost left my family
-hurt my parents
-lied more than i could ever imagine
-left the church that helped me the most
-stopped trusting people
-left things broken
-went into deep depression
-buried 2 friends
-found new bands
-went through trials
-broke my cell phone 3 times
-formed a relationship with my parents
-made appointments to see a cousnelor
-ate free food
-went out to lunch with my papa
-tried to form a relationship with him
-lived off of coffee
-hung out with some old friends
-went to NJ to get wawa
-went on a pointless road trip
-Lost weight
-Found myself in Christ
-Dedicated my life to him (again)
-Remembered what it was like to be 11 and a new Christian
-found out my favorite flowers
-prayed
-read the bible
-started to trust god again.

I mean Yes, I've had some best and worst times in the past 2009 days.
And I'm thankful for my family and for them sticking with me during my best and worst times. I'm thankful for everything God has put me through because I would never have learned everything I did when I went through the good times and worst times.

I'm thankful for GOD<3












"Who is wise and understanding among you?
Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done
in the humility that comes from wisdom"
— James 3:13

i don't

I don't need you,
I don't need your approval
I don't need your friendship
I don't need for you to say "I love you"
I don't need for you to hug me
I don't need you to judge me
I don't need you to tell me everything's going to be alright.
I don't need you.
Stay with her.
Leave me.
Walk away, just like you promised me you wouldn't.
"Promises are meant to be broken" you say,
yeah well if you were even a man, you wouldn't have.
I don't need you in my life



As much as i love you, I'm letting you handle this on your own.
for when you slip and fall, I won't be there to catch you.


I lied, I'll always be there to catch you
but I won't always love you.

You

I really am starting to dislike the human race.

I'm human and I break

So I thought of that title when I was editing a photo and it's so true. Like falling in love means knowing the person has the potential to hurt you but trusting that they won't. <3

Something Old turns into a reflection thought...

I was reading my past blogs, and I came upon one that I wrote in September 2008. It was a vision I got during Prayer once. I know that GMC doesn't read this but I still will Blog. Sorry ahead of time if i curse but i'm letting it out.

The vision i once had was this..Every time my heart beat a light shot out like ripples in the water. And It wasn't shining bright nor was it going far and God's voice said "Daughter, this is how your light is". And with hearing that I started crying. The voice simple said so sweetly "This is how I want it to be" and with that my light shone brighter and went farther.

This vision, I let go of. I got involved with a boy who broke me, and took me away from something that I worked for, fought for, and bled for. I went thru late night crying sessions, to staying up at night gnashing my teeth and shaking my fist. I worked to where God wanted me to be.

He put me in the next step of walking with him and instead of going foward I WENT BACKWARDS. How can I ever forgive myself or even trust myself again.

I miss feeling God. I miss feeling unconditional love from God. I miss being a warrior, and fighting battles for me and my future and my future family. What happened to me?

I'm lost :(

New life, New Day

It's time for a new Katey.
I mean I'm not changing completely that would just be crazy talk :)
but I'm changing a lil bit about me.
I have a new boyfriend who's patient with me and just overall amazing. It's as if God literally has sent him to me. He means alot to me. But that's not the only reason why I'm writing. A few more reasons are that Life is starting to pick up. It's like I had to go thru heartbreak and being broken in order to be rebuilt again. I lost myself in Devan and I really didn't know where else I could go, since I lost myself when him and I broke up. Ya know? He told me that I changed and he wanted "his" Kate back, but in reality I'm the same Kate but I'm moving on with me life. I'm starting my life over. I'm not going to hold onto something when I can't change it. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future, but what i do know is that Paul and I are going to be in it together.

I do need to start blogging again, even if it's just a small post.
It helps and i feel better.
I love you<3
just be patient with me.

I'm tired of Defending what I've become

This is my letter to you.

You say you don't even know who you are anymore and everyone is saying you changed. I thought they were wrong, but you proved to me they're right. I tried to Defend you and not let you take the Hits, but all that got me was a broken heart and being ripped to shreds. You ran after a girl who talked so much shit about you and was willing to do everything in order to get you back. Well congrats to her she succeeded. She made you cheat a girl you "loved" but the way you prove it, is not enough.

It seems as though your willing to give everything you once knew or had for a girl that's not even worth 2 minutes of life. The way she is, I fear has turned you into someone I cannot be near. You destroy peoples hearts and take out your hurt on them when in reality you should be dealing it within. You say you love her and you'll do things to spend your life with her but how many times have you said that to me, did you mean it at all? You have been my best friend for almost a year, and I can't believe i don't even know you.

It's like your trading me for something you think is completely better. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but no one said I was. I'm sorry I'm not as skinny, but i'm doing something about it. I'm sorry I could never give you what she could but that's just not my style. I'm sorry I left, but I needed to fix my own life.

I love you dear, but I can't always be there. I gave you everything I could and It seemed as if it was never enough. I gave you my heart, and my soul. I traded everything I had for love that wasn't even going to last. If I knew we weren't going to stay strong I would of never trusted you as much as I did. You completed me, and made me feel whole, but that spot that you left can only be filled by God.

You broke me to a million pieces and didn't even bother to say sorry.
Well she fought for you and she won you, but she did it the wrong way.
YOU DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S BOYFRIEND in order to make him love you.
I could pray the same happens with you, but i'm not cruel like that.
Instead I know the truth of what may happen in the future, and that's something I'll hold onto because It' will be the only way.

To the Girl who took my Love,
I hope your content in what you do. Your a little slut, and whore who needs the wrong things to complete you. Congrats on winning a boy you never knew. I didn't fight back because I'm not like you. I thank God that I'm different and will one day change the world because when your stuck at home high as a cloud not having a future, You'll be seeing me on The T.V. making a difference and realize I never needed your approval.

Bye for now, Best of luck to both of you, This Shit isn't my drama but it's your burden to bear.

Done with Everything

Sorry.
He left me with a broken heart, that only Jesus can mend.

battlefield.

So I'm listening to the song Battlefield by Jordan Sparks and I honestly just feel like it. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. But somehow the battle is worth it. I suppose that's why

devan k. staton

I love you with all that i have<3

you are everything

to me. I love you always.

maybe it's not them....maybe it's me

This has just been on my mind for a while now. Convention 09. I was floor security for a section towards the stage. Now, no issues with that. But for the two days we were there was this young man who always cried out to God during worship. At first i thought it was cool, but as worship continued i started getting a little annoyed. I'm being honest here, okay? So i really just ignored him. But the next day he kept doing it and I thought in my heart that I really wished that he would stop and be quiet because I couldn't focus. Now that I keep thinking about it, I realized that that's how he gets in touch with God by being one of those loud worshipers begging God to change them, interceding for the whole world.

If that's so good, then why do I have such an issue with it?

the fact of the matter is...

I miss long island.
I hate this feeling that I'm getting no where and i'm not making a dent anywhere.
I hate the feeling that i'm loosing my friends because of the choices i make. It seems that even though i make good choices, I still get dumped. I hate the fact that I'm loosing touch with God. That when seasons come, instead of facing them, I feel as though I'm backing away from them. That I'm just running away from them instead of at them.

I feel as though I'm stuck in a place that i've been dreading.
I hate that I'm growing up so fast, and I hate the fact that everyone expects so much of me when i'm slowly trying to get my life back.

I need you Lord.!!!

long island...

If home is where your heart is, then why am i on long island?

mysmile..yoursmile

One of my truest friends from back home. His name is Joe Cornetta, and we've been through alot. He honestly gives me advice that I take to heart. Not to mention that although he is younger than me, his intelligence is great. I miss him. ALOT. I miss his hugs and his smile. The tacobell runs and blasting music in my car. The trips to wherever we felt like going and the brother and sister connection we share. I love him alot.

It stinks not being near him sometimes when all i need is to cry in his arms and hear him talk to me. He really is one great guy.

I guess that's how Jesus Is.
He wants us to run to him when we just need a hug
just to cry
just to hear someone's voice.
God wants us to put him first.
and no one else.
He wants us to miss him even when we know he's right there.
He wants us to cry on his shoulder and hold him tight.
Say "I love you" and mean it.

<3

i love you.

You are my sheild, my strength, my portion, deliever, my shelter, strong tower, <3
why have i been so blind with how much you love me?
you called to me and i decided to not listen. I decided to not pay attention.
i decided to walk away.
since i was so used to that
i was scared you'd walk on on me.
but that was a lie.
you would never walk on me.
but that lie was fed to me
and i ate it like it was a piece of cake.
or candy.
why did I believe the lie?
i can't bare to see who i was,
my past
but you somehow can love me for me
and everything i've put you through
and did to myself.

I love you
unconditionally.
forever<3
i promise<3

fighting

as quick as it starts things start to end.
as quick as the war starts, it soon ends.
maybe in it's time, but it ends.
But your fight never gives up.

<3 keep fighting.

I miss you, David.

David,
Good News, Your mom and I have started talking. She seems like a very enjoyable women to be around. I can't wait to meet her. I miss you. There are some days when I just wish I could hear your voice again. Where the only boy that had my heart was you and that' was all that mattered. You're still my big brother and I carry our memories in my heart forever. I carry you in my heart forever. Your smile, and joyious laughter I carry in my spirit. I must say that I am completly jealous that you got to meet the man that created us first. I wonder day after day how he is. Would you tell him I'm sorry. But knowing him, our daddy he already knew.

David I'm hurting inside. I've pushed God away slowly after loosing you. Not even knowing it. I find it a battle inside my heart that continusly Goes on. It's like i'm fighting for you and yet i'm forgetting how to fight for myself. It's so hard to think that you aren't here anymore. It's so hard to think that even though we haven't talked in a year, forever so much longer.

I'm trying to tell people how i feel, and talk to people about it but I can't find the strength to talk about it. I haven't really blogged about it in a while. It's like I have been in denial about it the whole time. I told myself I would write letters to you and put them in a box someone gave me since that would help, and I haven't stayed committed in that. I feel bad. It's like I'm rejecting the feelings that i need to go through during greving. I'm sorry, i'm not like your other friends, where they smoke in your memory. You should know me david, never touched a drug in my life or drink.

You admired me for that. Remember? Well I'm still keeping my distance from drugs and alcohol. I promise. For you<3

You would be so proud of me. I'm starting to understand life a little bit. I'm not saying that i will, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. I find it a little cool yet scary. I miss you david. I wish you were here. Your daughter misses you. I know that for a fact because I can feel it. Remember when I told you that sometimes i can feel other people's pain and you looked at me weird and then i told you I was a christian and you smiled and understood, well she misses you. ALOT. probably more than anyone. She looks exactly like you David. Beautiful.
I'm sure you miss her.
I know you miss her.

Your mom is trying David. She misses you alot. She's told me. She has good days and rough days. I think she just wants to know you're okay. Please let her know. For a mothers sake. I know how hard it is for her. If im struggling then i know your mommy is also. Give her a sign to let her know you're okay. Please let me know. I just want to know you're happy and smiling.

I love you David Daniel Dawson. Kathy told me the story about how you came up to her one day and said your rapper name is Triple D because you have 3 d's in your name. Clever you.

I miss you sunshine<3
I love you.

i can make it

It'll be okay,