is it normal?

Is it normal to not want to forget everything that's happened in the past? I mean well, the past 2 1/2 months. I'm starting to get use to this, and I'm starting to read him & not try to push myself on him. When he says he needs to go and he'll talk to me later, I'm okay with that when before I'd pretty much force him to talk to me, i guess that's why him and i fought so much. He needed time to blast music and think and be alright. I just want to be there for him. I care about him, I like him, I love him.

I don't want to attempt to say "goodbye" to him ever again since I really don't like those words. I just want him to be encouraged and know that I'm real and me being there for him is real. I want him and I to be okay, even if we have to start over (which we pretty much did).

I guess I really just don't want to lose him for good.
i really don't.

2009 isn't what i hope it'd be

neither was 2008, 2007, or 2006
and I've really come to realize that I have been through hell and back in these past 4 years than I ever have in my life.
In the past 4 years I have been
-almost killed
-tried drugs
-smoked constantly
-had my heart broken more than 5 times
-trusted someone who broke me
-cut myself
-went through changes
-hated God
-loved god
-transformed
-went to Gettysburg Masters Commission
-burned bridges
-destroyed almost every friendship or relationship i ever had
-fixed some
-left some alon
-ran away
-almost killed myself
-got an amazing boyfriend
-broke up with the amazing boyfriend
-made some new friends
-lost some fantastic ones
-discovered who I am
-pushed people away
-almost left my family
-hurt my parents
-lied more than i could ever imagine
-left the church that helped me the most
-stopped trusting people
-left things broken
-went into deep depression
-buried 2 friends
-found new bands
-went through trials
-broke my cell phone 3 times
-formed a relationship with my parents
-made appointments to see a cousnelor
-ate free food
-went out to lunch with my papa
-tried to form a relationship with him
-lived off of coffee
-hung out with some old friends
-went to NJ to get wawa
-went on a pointless road trip
-Lost weight
-Found myself in Christ
-Dedicated my life to him (again)
-Remembered what it was like to be 11 and a new Christian
-found out my favorite flowers
-prayed
-read the bible
-started to trust god again.

I mean Yes, I've had some best and worst times in the past 2009 days.
And I'm thankful for my family and for them sticking with me during my best and worst times. I'm thankful for everything God has put me through because I would never have learned everything I did when I went through the good times and worst times.

I'm thankful for GOD<3












"Who is wise and understanding among you?
Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done
in the humility that comes from wisdom"
— James 3:13

i don't

I don't need you,
I don't need your approval
I don't need your friendship
I don't need for you to say "I love you"
I don't need for you to hug me
I don't need you to judge me
I don't need you to tell me everything's going to be alright.
I don't need you.
Stay with her.
Leave me.
Walk away, just like you promised me you wouldn't.
"Promises are meant to be broken" you say,
yeah well if you were even a man, you wouldn't have.
I don't need you in my life



As much as i love you, I'm letting you handle this on your own.
for when you slip and fall, I won't be there to catch you.


I lied, I'll always be there to catch you
but I won't always love you.

You

I really am starting to dislike the human race.

I'm human and I break

So I thought of that title when I was editing a photo and it's so true. Like falling in love means knowing the person has the potential to hurt you but trusting that they won't. <3

Something Old turns into a reflection thought...

I was reading my past blogs, and I came upon one that I wrote in September 2008. It was a vision I got during Prayer once. I know that GMC doesn't read this but I still will Blog. Sorry ahead of time if i curse but i'm letting it out.

The vision i once had was this..Every time my heart beat a light shot out like ripples in the water. And It wasn't shining bright nor was it going far and God's voice said "Daughter, this is how your light is". And with hearing that I started crying. The voice simple said so sweetly "This is how I want it to be" and with that my light shone brighter and went farther.

This vision, I let go of. I got involved with a boy who broke me, and took me away from something that I worked for, fought for, and bled for. I went thru late night crying sessions, to staying up at night gnashing my teeth and shaking my fist. I worked to where God wanted me to be.

He put me in the next step of walking with him and instead of going foward I WENT BACKWARDS. How can I ever forgive myself or even trust myself again.

I miss feeling God. I miss feeling unconditional love from God. I miss being a warrior, and fighting battles for me and my future and my future family. What happened to me?

I'm lost :(

New life, New Day

It's time for a new Katey.
I mean I'm not changing completely that would just be crazy talk :)
but I'm changing a lil bit about me.
I have a new boyfriend who's patient with me and just overall amazing. It's as if God literally has sent him to me. He means alot to me. But that's not the only reason why I'm writing. A few more reasons are that Life is starting to pick up. It's like I had to go thru heartbreak and being broken in order to be rebuilt again. I lost myself in Devan and I really didn't know where else I could go, since I lost myself when him and I broke up. Ya know? He told me that I changed and he wanted "his" Kate back, but in reality I'm the same Kate but I'm moving on with me life. I'm starting my life over. I'm not going to hold onto something when I can't change it. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future, but what i do know is that Paul and I are going to be in it together.

I do need to start blogging again, even if it's just a small post.
It helps and i feel better.
I love you<3
just be patient with me.

I'm tired of Defending what I've become

This is my letter to you.

You say you don't even know who you are anymore and everyone is saying you changed. I thought they were wrong, but you proved to me they're right. I tried to Defend you and not let you take the Hits, but all that got me was a broken heart and being ripped to shreds. You ran after a girl who talked so much shit about you and was willing to do everything in order to get you back. Well congrats to her she succeeded. She made you cheat a girl you "loved" but the way you prove it, is not enough.

It seems as though your willing to give everything you once knew or had for a girl that's not even worth 2 minutes of life. The way she is, I fear has turned you into someone I cannot be near. You destroy peoples hearts and take out your hurt on them when in reality you should be dealing it within. You say you love her and you'll do things to spend your life with her but how many times have you said that to me, did you mean it at all? You have been my best friend for almost a year, and I can't believe i don't even know you.

It's like your trading me for something you think is completely better. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but no one said I was. I'm sorry I'm not as skinny, but i'm doing something about it. I'm sorry I could never give you what she could but that's just not my style. I'm sorry I left, but I needed to fix my own life.

I love you dear, but I can't always be there. I gave you everything I could and It seemed as if it was never enough. I gave you my heart, and my soul. I traded everything I had for love that wasn't even going to last. If I knew we weren't going to stay strong I would of never trusted you as much as I did. You completed me, and made me feel whole, but that spot that you left can only be filled by God.

You broke me to a million pieces and didn't even bother to say sorry.
Well she fought for you and she won you, but she did it the wrong way.
YOU DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S BOYFRIEND in order to make him love you.
I could pray the same happens with you, but i'm not cruel like that.
Instead I know the truth of what may happen in the future, and that's something I'll hold onto because It' will be the only way.

To the Girl who took my Love,
I hope your content in what you do. Your a little slut, and whore who needs the wrong things to complete you. Congrats on winning a boy you never knew. I didn't fight back because I'm not like you. I thank God that I'm different and will one day change the world because when your stuck at home high as a cloud not having a future, You'll be seeing me on The T.V. making a difference and realize I never needed your approval.

Bye for now, Best of luck to both of you, This Shit isn't my drama but it's your burden to bear.

Done with Everything

Sorry.
He left me with a broken heart, that only Jesus can mend.

battlefield.

So I'm listening to the song Battlefield by Jordan Sparks and I honestly just feel like it. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. But somehow the battle is worth it. I suppose that's why