Life's always a Journey...

is it normal?

2010-04-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

Is it normal to not want to forget everything that's happened in the past? I mean well, the past 2 1/2 months. I'm starting to get use to this, and I'm starting to read him & not try to push myself on him. When he says he needs to go and he'll talk to me later, I'm okay with that when before I'd pretty much force him to talk to me, i guess that's why him and i fought so much. He needed time to blast music and think and be alright. I just want to be there for him. I care about him, I like him, I love him.

I don't want to attempt to say "goodbye" to him ever again since I really don't like those words. I just want him to be encouraged and know that I'm real and me being there for him is real. I want him and I to be okay, even if we have to start over (which we pretty much did).

I guess I really just don't want to lose him for good.
i really don't.

2009 isn't what i hope it'd be

2009-11-28T08:13:00.000-08:00

neither was 2008, 2007, or 2006
and I've really come to realize that I have been through hell and back in these past 4 years than I ever have in my life.
In the past 4 years I have been
-almost killed
-tried drugs
-smoked constantly
-had my heart broken more than 5 times
-trusted someone who broke me
-cut myself
-went through changes
-hated God
-loved god
-transformed
-went to Gettysburg Masters Commission
-burned bridges
-destroyed almost every friendship or relationship i ever had
-fixed some
-left some alon
-ran away
-almost killed myself
-got an amazing boyfriend
-broke up with the amazing boyfriend
-made some new friends
-lost some fantastic ones
-discovered who I am
-pushed people away
-almost left my family
-hurt my parents
-lied more than i could ever imagine
-left the church that helped me the most
-stopped trusting people
-left things broken
-went into deep depression
-buried 2 friends
-found new bands
-went through trials
-broke my cell phone 3 times
-formed a relationship with my parents
-made appointments to see a cousnelor
-ate free food
-went out to lunch with my papa
-tried to form a relationship with him
-lived off of coffee
-hung out with some old friends
-went to NJ to get wawa
-went on a pointless road trip
-Lost weight
-Found myself in Christ
-Dedicated my life to him (again)
-Remembered what it was like to be 11 and a new Christian
-found out my favorite flowers
-prayed
-read the bible
-started to trust god again.

I mean Yes, I've had some best and worst times in the past 2009 days.
And I'm thankful for my family and for them sticking with me during my best and worst times. I'm thankful for everything God has put me through because I would never have learned everything I did when I went through the good times and worst times.

I'm thankful for GOD<3

"Who is wise and understanding among you?
Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done
in the humility that comes from wisdom"
— James 3:13

i don't

2009-11-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

I don't need you,
I don't need your approval
I don't need your friendship
I don't need for you to say "I love you"
I don't need for you to hug me
I don't need you to judge me
I don't need you to tell me everything's going to be alright.
I don't need you.
Stay with her.
Leave me.
Walk away, just like you promised me you wouldn't.
"Promises are meant to be broken" you say,
yeah well if you were even a man, you wouldn't have.
I don't need you in my life

As much as i love you, I'm letting you handle this on your own.
for when you slip and fall, I won't be there to catch you.

I lied, I'll always be there to catch you
but I won't always love you.

You

2009-11-09T16:50:00.001-08:00

I really am starting to dislike the human race.

I'm human and I break

2009-10-10T10:46:00.001-07:00

So I thought of that title when I was editing a photo and it's so true. Like falling in love means knowing the person has the potential to hurt you but trusting that they won't. <3

Something Old turns into a reflection thought...

2009-09-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

I was reading my past blogs, and I came upon one that I wrote in September 2008. It was a vision I got during Prayer once. I know that GMC doesn't read this but I still will Blog. Sorry ahead of time if i curse but i'm letting it out.

The vision i once had was this..Every time my heart beat a light shot out like ripples in the water. And It wasn't shining bright nor was it going far and God's voice said "Daughter, this is how your light is". And with hearing that I started crying. The voice simple said so sweetly "This is how I want it to be" and with that my light shone brighter and went farther.

This vision, I let go of. I got involved with a boy who broke me, and took me away from something that I worked for, fought for, and bled for. I went thru late night crying sessions, to staying up at night gnashing my teeth and shaking my fist. I worked to where God wanted me to be.

He put me in the next step of walking with him and instead of going foward I WENT BACKWARDS. How can I ever forgive myself or even trust myself again.

I miss feeling God. I miss feeling unconditional love from God. I miss being a warrior, and fighting battles for me and my future and my future family. What happened to me?

I'm lost :(

New life, New Day

2009-09-14T09:08:00.000-07:00

It's time for a new Katey.
I mean I'm not changing completely that would just be crazy talk :)
but I'm changing a lil bit about me.
I have a new boyfriend who's patient with me and just overall amazing. It's as if God literally has sent him to me. He means alot to me. But that's not the only reason why I'm writing. A few more reasons are that Life is starting to pick up. It's like I had to go thru heartbreak and being broken in order to be rebuilt again. I lost myself in Devan and I really didn't know where else I could go, since I lost myself when him and I broke up. Ya know? He told me that I changed and he wanted "his" Kate back, but in reality I'm the same Kate but I'm moving on with me life. I'm starting my life over. I'm not going to hold onto something when I can't change it. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future, but what i do know is that Paul and I are going to be in it together.

I do need to start blogging again, even if it's just a small post.
It helps and i feel better.
I love you<3
just be patient with me.

I'm tired of Defending what I've become

2009-09-04T11:05:00.000-07:00

This is my letter to you.

You say you don't even know who you are anymore and everyone is saying you changed. I thought they were wrong, but you proved to me they're right. I tried to Defend you and not let you take the Hits, but all that got me was a broken heart and being ripped to shreds. You ran after a girl who talked so much shit about you and was willing to do everything in order to get you back. Well congrats to her she succeeded. She made you cheat a girl you "loved" but the way you prove it, is not enough.

It seems as though your willing to give everything you once knew or had for a girl that's not even worth 2 minutes of life. The way she is, I fear has turned you into someone I cannot be near. You destroy peoples hearts and take out your hurt on them when in reality you should be dealing it within. You say you love her and you'll do things to spend your life with her but how many times have you said that to me, did you mean it at all? You have been my best friend for almost a year, and I can't believe i don't even know you.

It's like your trading me for something you think is completely better. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but no one said I was. I'm sorry I'm not as skinny, but i'm doing something about it. I'm sorry I could never give you what she could but that's just not my style. I'm sorry I left, but I needed to fix my own life.

I love you dear, but I can't always be there. I gave you everything I could and It seemed as if it was never enough. I gave you my heart, and my soul. I traded everything I had for love that wasn't even going to last. If I knew we weren't going to stay strong I would of never trusted you as much as I did. You completed me, and made me feel whole, but that spot that you left can only be filled by God.

You broke me to a million pieces and didn't even bother to say sorry.
Well she fought for you and she won you, but she did it the wrong way.
YOU DON'T SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S BOYFRIEND in order to make him love you.
I could pray the same happens with you, but i'm not cruel like that.
Instead I know the truth of what may happen in the future, and that's something I'll hold onto because It' will be the only way.

To the Girl who took my Love,
I hope your content in what you do. Your a little slut, and whore who needs the wrong things to complete you. Congrats on winning a boy you never knew. I didn't fight back because I'm not like you. I thank God that I'm different and will one day change the world because when your stuck at home high as a cloud not having a future, You'll be seeing me on The T.V. making a difference and realize I never needed your approval.

Bye for now, Best of luck to both of you, This Shit isn't my drama but it's your burden to bear.

Done with Everything

2009-08-14T16:02:00.001-07:00

Sorry.
He left me with a broken heart, that only Jesus can mend.

battlefield.

2009-07-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm listening to the song Battlefield by Jordan Sparks and I honestly just feel like it. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. But somehow the battle is worth it. I suppose that's why

devan k. staton

2009-06-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

I love you with all that i have<3

you are everything

2009-05-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

to me. I love you always.

maybe it's not them....maybe it's me

2009-05-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

This has just been on my mind for a while now. Convention 09. I was floor security for a section towards the stage. Now, no issues with that. But for the two days we were there was this young man who always cried out to God during worship. At first i thought it was cool, but as worship continued i started getting a little annoyed. I'm being honest here, okay? So i really just ignored him. But the next day he kept doing it and I thought in my heart that I really wished that he would stop and be quiet because I couldn't focus. Now that I keep thinking about it, I realized that that's how he gets in touch with God by being one of those loud worshipers begging God to change them, interceding for the whole world.

If that's so good, then why do I have such an issue with it?

the fact of the matter is...

2009-04-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

I miss long island.
I hate this feeling that I'm getting no where and i'm not making a dent anywhere.
I hate the feeling that i'm loosing my friends because of the choices i make. It seems that even though i make good choices, I still get dumped. I hate the fact that I'm loosing touch with God. That when seasons come, instead of facing them, I feel as though I'm backing away from them. That I'm just running away from them instead of at them.

I feel as though I'm stuck in a place that i've been dreading.
I hate that I'm growing up so fast, and I hate the fact that everyone expects so much of me when i'm slowly trying to get my life back.

I need you Lord.!!!

long island...

2009-04-14T06:11:00.000-07:00

If home is where your heart is, then why am i on long island?

mysmile..yoursmile

2009-04-02T06:41:00.000-07:00

One of my truest friends from back home. His name is Joe Cornetta, and we've been through alot. He honestly gives me advice that I take to heart. Not to mention that although he is younger than me, his intelligence is great. I miss him. ALOT. I miss his hugs and his smile. The tacobell runs and blasting music in my car. The trips to wherever we felt like going and the brother and sister connection we share. I love him alot.

It stinks not being near him sometimes when all i need is to cry in his arms and hear him talk to me. He really is one great guy.

I guess that's how Jesus Is.
He wants us to run to him when we just need a hug
just to cry
just to hear someone's voice.
God wants us to put him first.
and no one else.
He wants us to miss him even when we know he's right there.
He wants us to cry on his shoulder and hold him tight.
Say "I love you" and mean it.

<3

i love you.

2009-03-31T10:55:00.001-07:00

You are my sheild, my strength, my portion, deliever, my shelter, strong tower, <3
why have i been so blind with how much you love me?
you called to me and i decided to not listen. I decided to not pay attention.
i decided to walk away.
since i was so used to that
i was scared you'd walk on on me.
but that was a lie.
you would never walk on me.
but that lie was fed to me
and i ate it like it was a piece of cake.
or candy.
why did I believe the lie?
i can't bare to see who i was,
my past
but you somehow can love me for me
and everything i've put you through
and did to myself.

I love you
unconditionally.
forever<3
i promise<3

fighting

2009-03-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

as quick as it starts things start to end.
as quick as the war starts, it soon ends.
maybe in it's time, but it ends.
But your fight never gives up.

<3 keep fighting.

I miss you, David.

2009-03-26T06:01:00.000-07:00

David,
Good News, Your mom and I have started talking. She seems like a very enjoyable women to be around. I can't wait to meet her. I miss you. There are some days when I just wish I could hear your voice again. Where the only boy that had my heart was you and that' was all that mattered. You're still my big brother and I carry our memories in my heart forever. I carry you in my heart forever. Your smile, and joyious laughter I carry in my spirit. I must say that I am completly jealous that you got to meet the man that created us first. I wonder day after day how he is. Would you tell him I'm sorry. But knowing him, our daddy he already knew.

David I'm hurting inside. I've pushed God away slowly after loosing you. Not even knowing it. I find it a battle inside my heart that continusly Goes on. It's like i'm fighting for you and yet i'm forgetting how to fight for myself. It's so hard to think that you aren't here anymore. It's so hard to think that even though we haven't talked in a year, forever so much longer.

I'm trying to tell people how i feel, and talk to people about it but I can't find the strength to talk about it. I haven't really blogged about it in a while. It's like I have been in denial about it the whole time. I told myself I would write letters to you and put them in a box someone gave me since that would help, and I haven't stayed committed in that. I feel bad. It's like I'm rejecting the feelings that i need to go through during greving. I'm sorry, i'm not like your other friends, where they smoke in your memory. You should know me david, never touched a drug in my life or drink.

You admired me for that. Remember? Well I'm still keeping my distance from drugs and alcohol. I promise. For you<3

You would be so proud of me. I'm starting to understand life a little bit. I'm not saying that i will, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. I find it a little cool yet scary. I miss you david. I wish you were here. Your daughter misses you. I know that for a fact because I can feel it. Remember when I told you that sometimes i can feel other people's pain and you looked at me weird and then i told you I was a christian and you smiled and understood, well she misses you. ALOT. probably more than anyone. She looks exactly like you David. Beautiful.
I'm sure you miss her.
I know you miss her.

Your mom is trying David. She misses you alot. She's told me. She has good days and rough days. I think she just wants to know you're okay. Please let her know. For a mothers sake. I know how hard it is for her. If im struggling then i know your mommy is also. Give her a sign to let her know you're okay. Please let me know. I just want to know you're happy and smiling.

I love you David Daniel Dawson. Kathy told me the story about how you came up to her one day and said your rapper name is Triple D because you have 3 d's in your name. Clever you.

I miss you sunshine<3
I love you.

i can make it

2009-03-24T19:35:00.001-07:00

It'll be okay,

You're not alone...

2009-03-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, I have been not writing as much, but not just that but listening to saosin. I forgot how much I liked them and their music. So my favorite song is "You're not alone". and it's been helping me cope through things. I feel as though I've been so distant from Jesus and I don't want that. I want him back, With my closer! So, that's going to changed.!
Jesus, daddy, I want you closer to me.

It's just like him
To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching
For any sign of the ones he used to love
He says he's got nothing left to live for
(He says he's got nothing left)
And this time I think you'll know

You're not alone
There's more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

She's just like him
Spoiled rotten, confused by the lies shes been fed
She's searching for no one (but herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy that she is her
And this time I think you'll know

You're not alone
There is more to this I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out

(There is more to know)

We're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

(So tell them)

You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
You're not, you're not alone

it's okay...

2009-03-20T06:35:00.001-07:00

It's okay you saw him wednesday.
It's okay that he didn't call you thursday.
Today is a new day. Calm down. Put your mind to rest.
Lord, please help me keep these negative thoughts away.
Help me to block them out. They serve no purpose.

satan get away from me.
get under my feet for you are not even close to being worthy to enter into my thoughts.

Honey,
It's going to be okay. Today is a new day.
Stop thinking about the worst when it's not even the case.
He's still near you. He still loves you.
he promised. and he keeps his promises.

You'll talk to him today, and it'll be okay.
Calm your nerves.

I promise it's okay.
rely on daddy<3
rely on him<3
he's the only one who can help you deal with this, that and your sisters.
You can do it. TRUST ME!

it's been a while.....

2009-03-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged and I really think that I need to keep up with the blogging since it keeps me sane. Well at least so i can jot down my thoughts and feelings. I seriously think that I should become a writer. Become a writer to jot down everything.

HA I feel like Harriet the Spy.
I've just been dealing with the loss of David and since my eating has gotten bad I just am really like just hurting, if that makes sense.

I mean one of the older girls here pulled me over and like brought it to my attention and like It hurt knowing that I am so gym motivated but can't control my eating. WOW that hurts. And i need to break the family curse. I am open to suggestions.

I just.....

2009-03-10T10:45:00.000-07:00
i miss him.
is this normal?

do i really not deserve to be happy?

2009-03-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

i miss long island.
i feel like i don't deserve to be happy
and people keep wanting me to rush getting over my friends death.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
SATAN BACK OFF, NOW! YOU WILL NOT TAKE ANYMORE FROM ME!

stand in the rain....

2009-03-06T06:42:00.000-08:00

that's what i need. To just stand in the rain. Stand in the rain with my face up to the heavens as the cool rush of rain drops hit my face. Just to scream into the rain by my favorite lake is what i need. I really wish that it would rain a day that I'm free so I could just go to the lake and let the rain hit my face.

Oh, i wish....

i love you. endlessly

2009-03-05T14:18:00.001-08:00

I'm getting there.
i think?!

i'm starting to feel human

rebirthing

2009-02-27T06:46:00.001-08:00

Verse 1
I lie here paralytic inside this soul
Screaming for you till my throat is numb
I wanna break out
I need a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this Womb I'm suffocating
Pre-Chorus
Feel your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I've died
Chorus
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love, wanna live for you and me
Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow
Rebirthing now
I wanna live my life, wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow
Right now
Right now
Verse 2
I lie here lifeless in this cocoon
Shedding my skin cause I'm ready to
I wanna break out
I found a way out
I don't believe that it's gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this Womb I'm suffocating
Pre-Chorus
Feel your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I've died
Chorus
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love, wanna live for you and me
Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow
Rebirthing now
I wanna live my life, wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow
(I come alive somehow)
Bridge
Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when I'm gonna breathe you in
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'm gonna feel alive
Tell me when I'm gonna live again
Tell me when this fear will end
Tell me when I'm gonna feel inside
Tell me when I'll feel alive
Chorus
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love, wanna live for you and me
Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow
Rebirthing now
I wanna live my life, wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now I come alive somehow
(I come alive somehow)
Right now (I come alive somehow)
Right now (I come alive somehow)

by skillet

Time to say goodbye,

2009-02-27T06:37:00.001-08:00

I guess today, for people who are back on bayshore it's their time to say goodbye to our well known and loved David Daniel Dawson. For me, not a chance. I remember in psychology that there aer 4 stages in loosing someone and I'm not even in stage one. WHAT THE HECK?! Haven't i made any progress? Listen I've said this a million times to everyone, I will say Goodbye when I feel i'm ready.

I don't know how long that's going to be, but i pray you'll be patient with me.
i'm done writing now.

just a bunch of silly first years

2009-02-26T06:03:00.000-08:00

I've realized that even though I lost one friend, I have 7 more that are fighting with me<3 and 6 more even after my first year class. I have been blessed with them, even in rough and hard times. They are there right beside me for my shoulder's to cry on and for me to just talk to about anything and everything. I have my big sisters and my big brothers. My family. Even though we can be a little dysfuctional in God's eyes we're lovely, and more thant that. I am so blessed for them. I honestly couldn't picture myself finding out david died in a better place than this. How supportive they all have been. Even when I just want to rip my hair out and scream and just curl up in a ball and die they are the ones who coax me out of it. They help remind me that God is in control and that i am allowed to be upset and angry and hurt, but that in my time I'll get past it and grow stronger.

I love you.
everyone who's reading this, from GMC 08-09 <3
thank you for being so patient with me
and loving me in my best and worst.<3

david daniel dawson

2009-02-24T10:51:00.001-08:00

i miss you. intensly.

why is this so hard?

2009-02-24T06:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not ready to say Goodbye to him.
I'm not.
I'm not strong enough.

I can't loose anymore people. I'm serious. I can't bury any more friends or even say goodbye to a friendship. I can't do it. Not now, and please not in thr future. I'm trying so hard to smile, and laugh, and be myself. But the truth is i don't want to speak again. I don't want to hear my voice ever again. what's wrong with me?

RIP..tearing me apart.

2009-02-23T10:53:00.000-08:00

I found out last night, that a very dear friend to me as well as almost all of bay shore high school graduates died very tragecially. David Dawson. I remember the first day we met. How we met.

It was my freshman year and I was going up the stairs, lost in my high school. I was nervous and tripped and my books went flying. He saw the whole thing. He giggled a little bit and told me that he always wondered if it was possible to fall up the stairs. He helped me gather my things and walked me to class. He introduced himself and gave me a hug. Ever since then, him and I were close.

So many memories i share with him.
I carried him on my shoulders one day just because we asked me to.
David was not a short guy. He gave the best hugs, and always spoke in a calming voice. He had such a sweet spirit that no one could ever really hate him. He showed what it was like to live everyday.

I miss him so incredibly much.
And this is going to be so tough.

I miss my the kid who said he'd always be there for me
when I needed him. I miss the kid that said i could be his little sister.
I miss him<3
so much.

Rest in peace David. I love you. I miss you. This stinks =(

all alone when I'm really not?

2009-02-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

Lately I've just been feeling overwhelmed and left behind. At youth group I balled my eyes out to the point where there were no emotions later on except laughter. I really haven't spent time with my jesus in so long, and It's long overdue. Tuesday wasn't a good day at all and as a team we all found something out that some of us didn't know how to react. Well at least I didn't. I need to stop putting walls up everytime someone leaves, but it's like I get so close to them and then God removes them, maybe not permanently but for now. Kat just got engaged last night. And I knew before Ed even got down on his knee and proposed. He came over to talk to Mike(dad) around 8pm and he should've been in class. So I answered the door and looked at him and was like don't you have class and he said back to me Dont you? and I straight up told him that I've been sick all day with my head in the toilet what was his excuse and he said I need to talk to mike and at that point I knew what he needed to talk to him about.

I really don't know how to react about that. It seems that everyone is getting engaged and married in the same year same time. (I think my parents set that trend, LOL) I mean she told me this morning at 6:15 but I knew ahead of time, and I mean i smiled for her and asked questions but I really didn't show emotion. Then again it was so early and all i wanted to do was go to the bathroom and hit the sheets once more til my alarm went off. I just feel as though since everyone is leaving me, so will God.

It's like back to stage one with me.
The moment I became a christian and dedicated my life to Jesus i felt as though he may leave me. That's what I'm feeling now, but in my heart I know that he's closer than ever. If only I got my mind to believe that.

I'm not sure.
I think time with my jesus is much needed.<3

just a season.

2009-02-17T17:40:00.000-08:00

I have to keep fighting. Keep remember that it's just a rough season i'm going through. That the joy of the Lord can still be my strength and I can still be happy.
I need to realize that i can't give up, or back down. I'm growing and I can't and should not stop it.

C'mon katy keep fighting. It's gonna be worth it. It's gonne be worth it. It's gonna be worth it.

Jesus please just wrap me in your arms. I need you. I just want to be with you.

all i want to do..

2009-02-16T20:30:00.000-08:00

This is will be my third post in the same day.
but i really just need to get this off my chest and my heart.

These past few weeks, all i've wanted to do is just be able to hug Jesus and crawl into his arms and love on him. like actually lean my head on his chest and feel him breath in and out. I cry when songs come on that declare how much we love jesus. And this past corem deo, i literally walked over to the cross read the letter i got and just sobbed in front of the cross. I was so tempted to hug the cross and bury my face into it, but i didn't. I just want to feel him. feel my love. my forever.

I know that the plan for my life isn't fulfilled yet, but i have those days where all i want to do is be with him. Forever.<3

my heart yerns for more of him.
my heart longs to just be with him
and see his face and feel his hands.
I love you.
I'm mad for you.
don't ever leave me.
I am just a mortal without you.

I love you, my love.
my forever<3

Sister from Penn-Del

2009-02-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

i feel as though your falling back into your old habits.
i know it's hard, but you gotta stay strong. there was a reason i was writing Isaiah 41:13. I may not have known right away but when you told me I then knew why.

your strong my sister.
you need to keep fighting.
don't let satan knock you down and keep you down.
i love you and we'll fight this together.

yes, there are times when i know you want to quit and pick up that phone when he calls but if you do, you'll get sucked back into what you wanted to get out of.
i'm always here for you.

I know it may not seem like it but i am.
i'm sorry i'm so busy but i will never be to busy for you.
although it does seem like it, but God's doing some things in me.

Please open your heart up to him more.
He wants to be more than just a friend.
he wants to be your husband, best friend, daddy.

I love you girl.
always

growing up...

2009-02-16T13:29:00.001-08:00

So I've been thinking alot lately. And it's just it seemed when i was younger, that life seemed to make sense. That scrapped knees were so easy to fix with a bandaid and boys had cooties. That playground adventures never grew old and dinosaurs still existed in the hearts and minds of others. That babydolls became actual children and boys wanted to become your husband. Oh those days.

struggling.

2009-02-14T22:55:00.001-08:00

completly. god i need you. please.

letters<3

2009-02-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

I got a letter in a bottle from my daddy, and a message from him he spoke through daniel. I just want to curl in his arms and stay there. I love you.

Mylove, my forever<3,

And I shed a few tears and everything becomes okay.

2009-02-13T06:31:00.000-08:00

So for no reason last night I started thinking about the youth kids and every that I've grown close to over the past 9 months and i realized that i don't want to leave them at all. Like I've grown close to them all and just love them with all my heart and I really just don't want to leave until I come back next year. I want to be with them. The only thing is I don't want this to be my new box and grow here and just stay here, but it's like all those times when I wanted to Go home and leave and hate everyone and want nothing to do with anyone, those were the times where they stuck close and i've never had that. It's like they have become my family even the kids in youth group. I finally started getting close to alot of them when we saw them at Penn-Del and I actually hung out with them and they wanted to hang out with me. It was incredible.

It just breaks me heart that I am going to be away from everyone for 3 months. I mean I don't want to sound like this is my new comfort zone, but I love everyone so much.

everything I've been through like the ripping of things God has done and is still continuing to do like I'm me again. Like how i am today was how i was when I first accepted Christ, this was me before the deciding to smoke and fall short during those dreadful years.

WOW.
God is amazing, and i am just more in love with him everyday.
my husband, my king, my true love<3
i love you forever.

masters commission, simple youth, FVWC leaders and church goers(lol) I love you all and have grown fairly attached to you guys. because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

forever.

2009-02-12T19:33:00.000-08:00

how grateful I am that you chose to die.
that you chose to fall in love with me
and chose me to be a warrior.
How much i fall in love with you more and more everyday.
how much the yern to be with you where there is no hatred and pain
but at the same time, love everything you've created.
I just love how everyday your there with me
and always find me fastinating.
Every little silly thing i do, you just smile and love me more
and i find it incredible that you teach me little things everyday
I love you.
my husband, my forever<3

a new battle

2009-02-09T20:53:00.000-08:00

I'm going to keep fighting. I'm going to keep fighting.

pro's<3

2009-02-07T22:01:00.001-08:00

my hair is getting longer.
I'm actually fighting.
I love everyone
I'm myself.
I love jesus with all my heart.

i just want to hug my sister

2009-02-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

and cry in her arms.
that's really all i want.
I want to fight, and I want to overcome
I want to shed tears but enjoy every second of it.

I just want to hug my big sister.
I think i'll do that.

tomorrow, forever, iloveyou<3

Redemption

2009-02-03T07:27:00.000-08:00

I trust in you for life to live, and air to breath.
Purity fills my lungs.
I no longer live in solitude.
No longer bound.
My heart beats with great devotion.
This is the start to a new beginning.
On my knees praying for mercy.
Hands raised high, humble and broken.
Wanting your grace.
Wanting your security.
Memories of laying face down, motionless, with such a hollow feeling inside.
Soon I would end this life I was living.
I am just a man with a heart and sinful hands.
I am a fallen victim.
Lord, show me the way.
I ask of you Father, let my words be your words.
Let my thoughts be your thoughts.
To you, I give my praise.
Show me the way.
Take me in your arms.
Never let me go.
Lord, show me the way, as I give myself to you.
Never let me go.
Hold me with your everlasting love.
Be my strength.
Be my voice.
Be my glory.
Set me free.

So I'm listening to August Burns Red and the song that comes on, i immediatly fall in love with the song. It's bascially a prayer. and I keep listening to it over and over again and I just feel so in tuned with the lyrics.

Thanks!

fighting

2009-02-02T19:27:00.000-08:00

I'm going to fight this battle
I'm going to win this battle.
Since the battle is already won!

I can only do it with you by my side.
I loveyou daddy.

Long Island<3

2009-01-30T20:40:00.000-08:00

I miss....
my parents
my bed
my cats
my tree
my flowers
my friends
my DD mosh pits
my sleepovers
my old yet brand new high school
my job
the beach
the lighthouse
the boardwalk at jones beach
the late night walks with the bests just because we want to
the cute cuddling while watching some pointless show
dancing til 3:30 in the am to music then playing 21 with m&m's
seeing familiar faces
my best friend mattyyy<3
knowing where to get the best sushi everrrr
taking the train into NYC
queens<3
playgrounds by my house
racing cars on foot
walking to my aunts house just because
swimming
the rude humor that almost everyone has

point of rambling..
i miss my home.
longisland<3
newyork<3

Take me to the place Lord...

2009-01-30T06:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sure everyone has heard of this song, "Take me to that place lord, to the secret place where I can be with you, where you can make me like you. Wrap me in your arms, Wrap me in your arms, Wrap me in your arms".

And When I was singing it with Jen Trout this past wednesday for youth group I really didn't understand the meaning's of the lyrics. When we had class last night and Matt sang that for worship after class I just closed my eyes and listenend to the lyrics. And as I was showering this morning I just repeated it over and over in my head and It finally clicked. That I desperatly wanted to spend more time with Jesus, that I just wanted to be a little kid and crawl into my daddy's arms. A want, that I have longed for and I actually feel peace.

How wonderful is our GOD?
That he knows your wants and needs before they are in your heart.
I just am head over heels in love with Jesus.
You have no idea!

Is forever enough?

2009-01-29T06:31:00.000-08:00

Is forever enough to live?
Is forever enough to fight?
Is forever enough to stand up for what's right?
Even in the grave my spirit will live on, and I'll know that the fight will still go on. even in part from my body and soul, the fight rages on for total control.
Control over minds, control over hearts, control of what trends and what celeb will drive the next kid crazy. Control of destiny, and Control over fate.

Is forever enough to challenge this trait?
Is forever enough to make a difference?
Forever is enough but it's time to short.

Times to short to make a difference, times to short to save anothers life. Times to short to make new friends, and Times to short to keep the old. Time is short to finally get your license and Time is way to short to not go to collge.

Forever would be nice, if it was apart.
Apart of this life, that God so gracesly gave to us. For our first breath and our last. Apart of this plan He has for the hearts that he keeps time with. Your heart pumps blood and has a sound, but only God knows the true meaning of that beating sound.

God last forever.
but is forever enough?
Is forever enough for us to change the patterns of this world?
Is forever enough for our future kids to step up as we die down?
Is forever enough?
Is forever enough?

love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for.

2009-01-28T20:12:00.001-08:00

Dear Big Sister,
Keep fighting. Keep Your head up. you can make it. you can do it. It'll all be worth it in the end. I know that God is just preparing you for your lovely, amazing, bright future. Just keep your eyes on him and He will help prepare the way.

I love you

astounding.

2009-01-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

Last night I was writing a letter to my friend and I was listening to mark schultz.
The song "I am" came on and I hit replay on my itunes. As it replayed I got up from my bed and started worshiping God. In that instance tears started falling from my brown eyes hitting my cheeks and rolling down to the floor. It astounds me that I could be fine one moment, then when It's just me and my daddy, I cry. He deserves every ounce of worship.

"Author and perfector, beginning and the end"
I AM.....

He astounds me with every little thing he does.
This is going to be a short blog, but just know that we serve an amazing God.
<3

Get to know me better.....

2009-01-25T11:16:00.000-08:00

SO i decided to list a bunch of random facts about me. Let's see if you knew any.

1.I always cover my mouth when I yawn
2.I love jelly belly jellybeans
3.I text way more that I call
4.Reading calms my soul
5.I can't go one day with something hot to drink
6.Sweet-tea isn't much of an addiction anymore
7.I am starting to strongly dislike fast food
8.I like to stare into the nighttime sky
9.I like to talk to Jesus more than ever
10.I love to go to local band shows
11.It irritates me when people say "LOL" when you tell them something serious
12.My hearts belongs in Pennsylvania
13.But I am a Long Island girl forever
14.I only want a tattoo on my foot
15.I like to try new things
16.And start on new adventures
17.I used to run from my problems
18.I want to be adopted by my step-dad
19.I'm part Salvadorean
20.And I can't speak one ounce of spanish
21.I want to learn spanish again
22.I'm really smart when I apply myself.
23.Sometimes I don't want to motivate myself
24.I think MTV and WH1 are a waste of lifetimes.
25.I love children of all ages
26.Reaching out to hurt lives is something I live for
27.I make friends really easy
28.I need to learn to back up sometimes when people
29.I fight for what I want
30.But I never used to
31.It still hasn't hit me that I'm an official Alumi of BSHS
32.I donate blood
33.I'm not scared of the needles
34.My only fear is dying in a drunk driving accident
35.I know my future husband is out there
36.and in time I'll meet him
37.I give advice but don't take it when it comes to my problems
38.I really love my friends & family
39.FIREPROOF IS ONE OF THE BEST MOVIE
40.I'm a military brat
41.I wear my covenant ring like i'm married =)
42.MY PHONE SUCKS
43.I gave up drinking soda
44.One of my best friends drives a stick shift car
45.I dream
46.I'm a warrior of christ
47.Without Jesus in my life, I would be nothing
48.I love love love getting new bibles
49.My 2 best friends go to Penn state and messiah
50.I actually love hardcore music
51.Music is pretty amazing for the soul
52.I own a guitar which i haven't touched more than 2 times
53.I really want to learn how to play
54.Everyday I find new talents in myself and others
55.I really like to wear converses and nikes
56.straight legged pants are pretty amazing
57.I think i may start to gauge my ears
58.My laptop is apart of my life
59.I love the beach
60.Swimming is the best thing ever
61.I really never liked the spice girls, nsync, or any of those pop stars.
62.If I had to choose one i'd choose backstreet boys
63.I used to work at the YMCa
64.I wear makeup but can play sports better than most Guys.
65.NOT ALL GUYS!
66.I really like to dance in church
67.I cry for my generation and future generation
68.I really want a relationship with my sister
69.I sometimes think about my life if I went in a different direction
70.But then i realize I wouldn't be where i was today, and have made the friends i have now
71.I love my 4 cats
72.I love Disney movies
73.I answer the church phone in a high voice.
74.I really want to learn how to skateboard.
75.I think if they made an action figure of Daniel St.Armand every kid would buy it.
76.Heather Is a SUPERHERO!
77.Country music is pretty okay
78.I like to wear scarfs.
79.I'm trying to make it to 80
80.And I did.
81.I love getting cute little notes
82.and letters
83.If i had to choose to be born into any year
84.It would be the 1960's.
85.Don't ask me why

SILENCE.....

2009-01-22T19:51:00.000-08:00

So this is me working at my summer job, 2008. My friends decided that I talked to much and needed to have ducktape over my mouth for the rest of the day, which was only from 3:30 - 6. And I couldn't text. What A brillant Idea for us to do. As I'm sitting there coloring with ducktape over my mouth a parent walks in and starts to crack up, asking if I lost a bet. Everyone replys "NO" she just talks too much. The parent sighed and walked away with her son. HOW EMBARASSING! To know that even a Parent may even think that is just heart wretching.

RIGHT.........

Not even close. Truth was, my friends didn't want me to talk because they wanted to see If they could get control over the kids. All 12 of them from the ages of 2-3. The 2 year old's were my kids but we had to combine that day. WOW! Not one of them could keep any of the kids silent. And even me with the Ducktape over my mouth coloring barney pages, the kids all wanted to be with me. Remarkable.

Why am I jotting this down?
Because this kind of reminds me of Jesus when he says, "Let the children come to me".
I love kids.
and dwelling on this, makes me miss my summer/full time job at the YMCA.
but I need to move on.
I need to grow.
I need to experience things more.
I need JESUS!
more now
more tomorrow
more forever.

It's time to dance

2009-01-21T10:56:00.000-08:00

Every little girl dreams of that special day. Their wedding. They dream about what they'll wear and who they want to marry, and be a princess for a day. Wearing a white long dress with a beautiful vail and beautiful white high heeled shoes, with the flower girls throwing rose pedals on the ground in front of her. Little girls draem this at what, 6? maybe a little older.

ZOOM in on my life.
All through my kid years and most of my teen years I never dreamed about my future husband, nor ever worried about him. Guys' weren't attractive to me, and I mostly dreamed of who's butt I was going to kick that day in dodgeball. While most girls mooned over the islander goalies son Benjamin Vanbiesbrouck, and said that they were huge fans of his father, meanwhile here I am rolling my eyes because they could'nt name a single islander hockey player. SPICE GIRLS. That's what they called themselves, and they even sang the stupid songs. Here I am, wearing shorts and sneakers, getting all sweaty and dirty from playing kickball and beasting it out attempting to climb trees. I never thought about any of my guy friends becoming a potential boyfriend, although some did like me, They knew they had no chance.

So time goes by and I move to another town called Bay Shore (aka where i live now) and was like OH I CAN STILL DRESS LIKE A GUY AND BE MYSELF. DUDE! i got ripped to shreds my first day of middle school. That day my mom and I went shopping. I still didn't think about marriage til junior year. Now i'm 18 and dreaming of my marriage, but the more I think about it, The more I get desperate.

I don't want to settle, and I don't want to be desperate.
So, I really asked God to remove any feelings I may form to any guy so I don't get caught up in the world while I'm in masters.

So Leah J is getting married and all I keep thinking is, the only thing I want to see is her and paul dancing their first dance as husband and wife.

I can't wait to dance my first dance with Jesus.
It's time for me to dance, but with my Jesus, my husband, my true love.

18

2009-01-20T08:41:00.001-08:00

years<3 and i keep growing<3

And Who will dry the tears that no one see's.

2009-01-18T17:39:00.000-08:00

So Penn-Del was last night and I must say what an honor to be in the presence of someone who is so on fire for the lord and so anoited. WOW! The whole day we were there was an amazing experience. WOW how I can't wait til we go back the 31st. It's so awesome to be in the presence of not only God but young teenagers who are so On fire for Our Lord and Savior, WOW.

I met a few girls and guys that just stunned me with thier stories.
Especially this one girl Tina. What a sweetheart.
WOW

I'm still so very tired from yesterday.
I'm going to sleep.
I'll write more tomorrow.
If you can wait.

ONLY KIDDING<3
night

Welcome to Belize.

2009-01-16T06:38:00.000-08:00

So last night I got a message from a LIYFC leader. Her name is Emily and one of the first people who I got to know quickly when I first got involved with LIYFC. So she sent out a message over facebook asking if any high school graduates from the ages of 18-25 would like to travel to Belize this May for a 2 week long mission trip. My heart was pounding when I first read the email. I called my mom right away and asked her and she said If you can get Emily to email you or mail you the information packet an application we could make it happen. So I gave Emily my email and home address. Terrifying. The only thing is, they day we leave is also the Day I graduate from Masters. I mean I was talking to Lauren and she said to just pray about it. And I am, I will. I mean I feel that this is an oppurtunity for me since i've missed so many when I was in high school.

God,
Please Help me out on this one. I need you to lead me in this decision.
Please give me peace in my heart so I am not freaking out over it so early.
Help me remain in Strength.
I love you
Thank you For This oppurtunity
Thank You for everyday you've given me
Every breath
Thank you for letting me not scared when I was 11
to make the choice for you to become apart of my life.
I love you
So much......
Today, Tomorrow, next week, next month, forever, I promised<3

"she's mine, no mine" "I can't help it she's my best friend"

2009-01-13T10:48:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of feelling like I need to compete for people's affection, for their hugs, for their smile. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth being someone's friend. I'm tired of feeling like I need to "Shotty" that person first so I can be their friend for that day.

I don't want to have to feel like that.
I don't want to feel like no one loves me.

I think that's why I love being apart of Jesus's life.
I don't need to compete for his affection, and I don't need to compete for his love.
He has time for everyone. He loves everyone the same. He wants to recieve attention just as much as he gives it. That's probably the reason why Alone time with Jesus is better than Alone time with anyone here on earth. He's always there.
He doesn't sit and talk to you for a bit then as soon as he gets a text message, look at it and no hear what you have to say. He won't break your heart. He won't leave you. When he makes promises, HE KEEPS THEM!

I'm tired of feeling like I'm always being compared to other people.
Don't do that to me.
I'm my own person. I am Katelynn Maria Yanes.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
So how come I don't feel that sometimes?

Dearest Brothers,
I am not OUR sister Amy. I will not overdose on that stupid drug that makes you feel good for an hour. I will not cause my body pain. I will not let my precious blood spill over a stupid boy, or a stupid craving at 6:30 in the morning. I will not betray you guys. I will not hurt your heart and not walk beside you. I will always be there. I am your baby sister. And if you know that, then why am I always the one who people think is older? What because I'm wise beyond my years and am very mature for an 18 year old? NO NO NO. I want for once for you guys to accept me. I want for once, you guys call me just to see how I'm doing. I want to hear those words. Those 3 little words that mean so much. Those 3 little words that change everything, and those 3 little words I know you mean. I wait for that day. I wait for that change to happen. I mean, I've been waiting for you guys for 18 years. So why must I be the one who is treated different? No matter what color skin I am, or my eye color, or my weight, or even hair color, I'm still your baby sister. BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY SISTER SISTER SISTER SISTER!!!! Can you understand that? I'm your baby sister. Which means, I will need to come to you for advice. That when a boy breaks my heart, you want to beat him up. That when I cry all you want to do is hold me and cry with me. You'll do anything to see me smile, because when I smile it brightens up your day. I'm waiting.........
Love,
Katelynn

Maybe that's what God is trying to teach me. That not everyone is going to be how I picture them to be. Or maybe perhaps He's trying to teach me and in HIS timing things will start to fall into place. He just wants to see if I'll keep my faith in him. Well God, I want to hope that. I want to hope that your just teaching me something and soon things will fall into place. But I don't know..I guess that's the funny thing about God. Only he knows when things are going to happen, Good or Bad, In your favor or Against your wishes.

I'm trusting you.<3
forever<3

I will run the race set before me...

2009-01-13T07:28:00.001-08:00

Hot Tea

2009-01-12T17:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever drinking hot sweet tea?
I hear it's pretty good.dare me?

One phone call.

2009-01-11T11:23:00.000-08:00

One phone call can change a persons heart in a matter of 10 seconds.
For the past two night I have not been able to get once good ounce of sleep.
On Friday night I finally went to bed at 2:30. Last night I went to bed at 4.
So the times keep getting later and later, and soon I will be up for a full 24 hours, If I can't dwell and think about what's causing me to not sleep.

So Last night I decided to try and call my friend Eric.
Eric is one friend that I know in my heart know matter what he will be a "maid of honor at my wedding".
Eric is a man of God, a young man to be exact, and talking to him, is just a blessing.
So of course He was sleeping soundly and didn't pick up his phone, but then again, Did I want him to?

Obv. not!
So he calls me today and I'm sitting in church so my phone will not ring. DUH silly!
I see the number after church and listen to the voice-mail he leaves me and decide I'll call him back when I'm on my way home, and, I'll drive the long way home so I can talk to him more. Which is what I did anyway. So I call him back and bascially pour my heart out to him. My thoughts that have been haunting me, and the cruel words my exboyfriend decided to plant in my heart.

And all Eric does is laugh, breath, and say "Kate, God is more than patient with us, So why can't we be patient with him? Your time of blessing will come, and your right, as much as you want to fall in love you aren't ready for love. Your spiritually immature, emotionally immature, and you can't handle it right now. God is your main focus, and He will give you your man and you'll just know right then and there why God told you to wait. I love you."

Eric <3
God<3
Love<3
Future Husband<3
Christian friends <3
FREEDOM VALLEY <3

I can't sleep.

2009-01-09T21:34:00.000-08:00

Why do I keep putting myself through the same wash cycle over and over again? I think about the painful memories and somehow he must know and Im me. Then I get caught up in talking to him and getting beat up and kicked down even more. It stinks. I mean I did catcha a sign that he would never ever be the one, because he said this to me "You just threw me away and there was no way after that was I going to wait" and right there was a sign.

I mean at first I was like, was I nor good enough to wait for, or I was not worth waiting for, but then i realized that There is a man out there, that thinks i am worth waiting for and is willing to wait however long til we get to that moment where we meet.

I can't wait for that moment. But til then, I just need to wait.

I need to stop putting myself in the wash cycle because it's the same thing
over and over and over again. Thoughts and happiness then conquer and destroy.
But you know I am able to break that cylce.
I will break that cycle.
But I can't do it alone
I need God, and my family here in Masters <3
I'm not trying to fight this battle on my own while i'm so weak.
<2

i thank God for...

2009-01-06T18:49:00.000-08:00

my family
my friends
his son
his word
my life
each and everyday's experiences.

So the day before I came back to Pennsylvania, I went out to eat with some friends I met during my time of being involved with Long Island Youth For Christ and Work Camp 08 since most of us are in college and didn't see each other since graduation. So Billy decided to have eveyone meet up at Moe's southwest grill. I have never been there. So we were expecting at least 3 more people but it turned out to be, Me, Billy, Tim, and Kevin. Billy goes to Messiah and Tim and Kevin go to Liberty. So we all order, get out drinks and sit down to eat. So we all look at each other and smile and ask who want's to pray and tim gladly raises his hand and says "I Will". So tim prays we all say "amen" and start to eat. So as we're all talking and eating, I can't help but stare at each and every single one of them and smile.

The whole time I was thinking, WOW these are my brothers, my friends, Young Men you are after God's own heart and live each and every day eager to see what God has in store for them that day. I can't tell you how amazing that feeling was. So sit across 3 young men of God and like have conversations about how our growth is doing and our college courses are and how God keeps speaking to us.

Then I come back to Gburg and hang out with kait, lulu, evan, addison and steven. We all went to suprise evan stoolzfoos (totally spelt that wrong) at his basketball game, and like my thoughts went wild again. How much I love being in the prescence of Young women who are after God's own heart and Young men. How much I'm so honored to call them my sisters and brothers, and say I Love You and mean it.

Being around my friends and family here is Gburg and long island, who serve a God who's so remarkable and beautiful that we have to shield our faces because his face is just so bright and pure and just being able to talk to them about the days I'm having and how I sometimes feel like GOd just dissed me and hearing them say encouraging things to me that GOd would say to me, just impacts my life greatly.

WOW
I love God
I love Gburg Masters Commission
I love serving a God so remarkable
I love my brothers and sisters <3
Your the best

welcome 2009

2009-01-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

Wow so I knew 2009 was coming, but I had no idea that it would come this fast. I can't believe my cousin is graduating, and I will no long be 18, and Life will change. 2008 is gone just as fast as it came. Sometimes I do wish I could go back in time and be in high school again. I miss my job and my kids there. I miss still being considered a child. Oh man Do i miss it.

Well I'm no longer a child, in my heart yes, physically? No.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T16:49:00.000-08:00

So my family came over today for brunch and to take family pictures. Oh how i am so blessed with my family. Although everyone is growing up so fast it still feels great to hug my cousins<3

I love you.

James 1:12 <3

2008-12-24T13:19:00.000-08:00

So my friend billy gave me this verse over spring break.
And at first when I looked it up it made no sense to me nor did I want to know what It meant. I guess I was just being stubborn and I put it away for a while.
Well I found the note billy gave me with the verse and I looked it up
and it said this " Blessed is the Man Who perserveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him".

MHM<3

I need to keep blogging.

2008-12-20T15:55:00.001-08:00

My life becomes better when i pour my emotions out. Well, I am home. Back in New York on a fish shaped island. It was pretty Long and now i just crave a cup of tea. I'm thinking about treating myself out to dinner since my mom, dad, and nana are all going to a party. Which i guess i'm still concerded a Kid since i was not invited. That's okay. I will have my own party here with my 4 cats and a huge tv.

May i just say i really don't like xanga anymore. It's a pain and i feel so juveinel with it. Sorry charity! <3

But that's just me.
It's actually quite freezing here.
the island is covered in snow
and more snow is on the way.
JOY!
I love christmas <3

daddy daddy don't go

2008-12-13T19:34:00.000-08:00

Daddy Daddy don't leave
I'll do anything to keep you
Right here with me
Can't you see how much I need you
Father listen
Tell him that he's got a home
and he don't have to go
Father save him
I would do anything in return
I'll clean my room
Try hard in school
I'll be good
I promise you
Father, Father
I pray to you

Please don't leave me.
I'm sorry that i said those things.
I'm sorry i tried to push you away.
Please don't walk out on me.
I just want to please you.
I want to be your princess.
I want to know my daddy.
Please.
Don't walk out on me.

SCREAMING MY HEART OUT

2008-12-13T17:37:00.001-08:00

JUST SO I CAN LIVE

Face.

2008-12-09T06:50:00.001-08:00

Beauty
pagents
kids
playground
broken bones
death
misery
paramore
band
music
life
baby's
family
I love you
true love?
exists
will i ever find it
hide and seek
games
board
wood
carpenter
jesus
Christ
savior
cross
necklaces
<3

venting!

2008-12-05T20:19:00.000-08:00

I cried a little bit when i was on the phone with my mom
but then when my dad came on the phone, i just balled.
I don't like being away from the only people who can stand me when i'm
at my worst.
And believe me they have seen me at my worst!

But i'm in pain, which is so excruting i cry at night.
NO JOKE!
But i did go to the chichropractor and he did adjust me, but he said
that he wasn't going to rule out Kidney stones.
I almost cried when he said that.

I just want this pain our of me.
I want to work out
I want to do stuff
I WANT TO BREATH WITHOUT SAYING OW!

I want people to love me for me
I want to live for jesus christ.
I really don't like being in a season.

Oh i found a new way to vent.
So i might at as well...

Jealousy
Green
Ivy
Poison
Rats
Nutcracker
Old Fasioned
Style
paris hilton
scandal?
sandel
beach
waves
sun
breeze
young jeezy
rap
degrading
CSI
crime solving
labs
science
Test tubs
babies
parents
controlling?
remote
t.v
the office
dwight
d. eisenhower
america?
flag
pirates
peter pan
tinker bell
lost boys
pixie dust
broom and pale
blues clues
jazz band
trumpet
solo's
one
alone
lonely
just me =(

there ya go.
i love this new way to vent.
my friend showed me that
and today at Hoss's we played link which
is kind of how i vented.
So yes.
It's beautiful and yet helps me vent.
K good night!

how can?

2008-12-03T18:00:00.000-08:00

Someone you were once "in love" with move on so fast?
It makes you think, if your good enough, or if your beautiful or worth it.
Although he wasn't anything close to perfect and
was the biggest jerk ever.
It still makes you think if your guy is out there.
If someone who thinks your so captiviating is out there waiting for you.
I wonder.......

alot

Dear best friends,

2008-12-03T07:31:00.000-08:00

i love you so much.
You are incredible
I can't believe i have been blessed with such a great friend.
and i can't believe that we've been through almost everything and yet
still love each other just as much as we did before.

I love you so so so much<3

MY best friends
nicole.elise.cochrane.
matt.ragusa.
joe.cornetta.
nick.thomas.guider

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

was pretty much a downer this year.
Just drama all around.
I'm feeling down
and im struggling with being away from masters.
I forgot everything i learned
I havent' prayed for an hour.
I'm just wanting to be alone!

I can't wait for monday when i can go to my favorite spot and be with God for a long long long time.

I pray christmas will be better.

I'm tired of...

2008-11-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

I'm getting tired of this genertaion of friends. This generation where being brittany spears is okay, or living your life on the edge is fine and dandy. Where turning your back on your friends just to fit in and be cool is now a way of life. When 14 year olds think that they know everything and anything and try to gain power over adults. Where they are too scared to actually stand up for something whether it's thier life or determining their future. No i am not talking about 2008 election. Where kids are to scared to open up thier mouths defending themselves but they will open up their mouth in a heartbeat if it's going to drag someone down. I want to see a change in this generation. I want to feel a revolution!

It's been a while

2008-11-17T17:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since i last wrote in this.
It's been a couple days, a week maybe?
anyway, i saw my family yesterday. No not long island
but the ones who live in Camp Hill and I must say it felt absoutly
amazing to be around them. Especially since i haven't seen some of them in a while.
Like my cousins, Jordan, Jenna, Corinne and Gracie. <3
Oh those girls, wow i've missed parts of their life and i wish i haven't.
But now since i'm in pennsylvania I can catch up with them.

I love my family <3
so muchh

hey guess what?!

2008-11-11T19:55:00.000-08:00

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU.
I CAN SAY THIS TO EVERYONE FOREVER.
I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY I CAN SAY "I LOVE YOU NOW"
BUT GOD'S WORKING IN ME AND ALL I WANT TO JUST TELL PEOPLE IS THAT I LOVE THEM
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU <3

Obama

2008-11-04T20:24:00.000-08:00

Won.
not too happy about it.
but i'm just having faith.
that's honestly all we can do.
Is pray and have faith in God.

God <3
i pray this is all apart of a big plan you have.

2008 election

2008-11-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

I have to say, I have mixed emotions about this election.
I'm really happy that it's ending, but i am very very very nervous
about who's going to win.
i voted macain, but obama i will admit it a great speaker.

I have been praying this whole morning
that people's minds and hearts would change.
that we won't turn our backs on israel.
Oh dear i spelt that wrong!

God be with us <3

My mommy.

2008-11-02T18:52:00.000-08:00

Came to visit.
and she brought lots of goodies including the quilts she made for the masters staff and kids.
It was really awesome to see her and get hugs from her.
I miss her dearly.
Today was really a great day
I brought her to the battlefields and the bridge.
i meant to bring her to my favorite place where i feel like God is there, but we ran out of time.

Anyway, i'm so tired from today
but i watched babies tonight and they make me fall more and more in love with Life.
I can't wait til i start a family.
Well i can wait, but i can't
DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?
OH WELL FORGET IT!

Night <3

Hey unfaithful

2008-10-30T08:06:00.001-07:00

Hey un-loving i will love you.
And Jesus i'm ready to come home.

Let the light shine on me.

2008-10-28T07:56:00.001-07:00

Dear God,
To be completly honest with you i honestly feel like you've abondended me. I let you take my chains and break them, and i stopped fighting you. You asked me to let you carry me, trust you, and lean on you. But for 2 weeks now, i've been feeling like you've left me flat on the ground to fend for myself. Are you breaking me? Are you tearing down my walls and rebuilding me? Are you stripping me of my past and who i thought i was? If so, then why do i feel so alone and forgotten?

Why do i feel like the ugly duckling?
Why can't i sleep at night, because i feel as though i won't make it through the night? That Satan will take this time to destroy me.

I try to be close, and i try to call out to you, but i fee like it's a waste of breath. That this isn't where i'm suppose to be. God, i thought you said you wouldn't leave me. You promised!

I don't know whether i want to run and hide, or hate you.
Hate is such a strong word, but it's getting to the point where my heart is starting to run cold. I don't want that, but why is it turning into that?

God Help me!
please, i'm loosing everything.
i'm slowly desingrating.
HELP!
i'm calling out of help with my last breath!
HELP!

Lead me to the cross

2008-10-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

God bring me to my knees.
Bring me out of my comfort zone.
Help me to just acknowledge that my past is forgiven
that i am worthy in your eyes.
That i deserve better,
That i deserve a husband who you've picked out for me.

GOD BRING ME OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE!

Long time no Blog.

2008-10-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

So mater's has totally gotten me crazy busy.
It's okay thought. Turns out i'm failing one of my classes, OTS to be exact and not to sure how i'm planning to get this one up. This is not high school and you don't have these classes for the whole year. DUH!? So we found out how i am failing, and it's because of tests. I freeze when I see them and my mind erase's everything I studied. LAME! But now that it's identified, i can work at this.

NO PROBLEMS!!!!!
i can do all things through christ who strengthns me.

So tuesday we met GAP Masters because they came to sit in an Catalyist Meeting (which is pretty boring in some parts) and like they are TOTALLY AWESOME!
It's like us Master's students, no matter where you go, click right away. Unless, the boys are not suppose to talk to the girls and vise versa, but even then the girls click with the girls. =D

I LOVE EVERYTHING
I LOVE NATURE
I LOVE GOD
I LOVE MASTERS
I LOVE MY FAMILY
I LOVE GOD <3

My daddy carried me <3

2008-10-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

All today, my daddy carried me.
he didn't let me go.
I love you daddy

I'm not cool!

2008-10-17T20:51:00.001-07:00

some people tell me that i look kind of funny
my nose is red and the braces don't work at all
they say the clothes i wear are all out of fashion
i don't fit in and should be shopping at a different mall
i studied classical piano
when i could've been playing guitar
i used to drive an el camino
and i'm not even sure it's car

Chorus:
i'm no cool but that's okay
my god loves me anyway
i'm not cool but that's alright
i'm still precious in his sight
i'm not cool but i don't care
how i'm supposed to do my hair
i'm not cool but that's okay
my god loves me anyway

it doesn't matter if i know all the lingo
he doesn't mind if i'm not hanging with a certain crowd
some people still believe in building an image
but i am finding that's a worry i can do without
i used to wish i was athletic
but football was never my game
i made some friends in mathematics
but no one can spell my last name

chorus

he says that i am a one of a kind
and i don't have to try to be somebody else
he believes in me and says i'm free to be myself
i can be myself

he isnt' perfect

2008-10-16T20:23:00.001-07:00

but who is besides God?
my husband will never be perfect, but i love him.
God will be our provider and our match maker.

I can't wait!

Youth Group

2008-10-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

Was amazing.
Worship was amazing.
God gave me a word for 3 girls. AMAZING
i feel free, amazing
Tons of Youth Worshiped, and some who never worshiped before did. AMAZING
GOD IS JUST AMAZING!!!

I LOVE YOUUUU <3
always. Forever. never ending.

I feel.....

2008-10-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

So free.
Like my chains are broken
and the devil has no hold over me.
that God was finally like "that a girl, I got you. LEAN ON ME, TRUST IN ME"
Do you know how amazing that felt.
To know that.
To sing in my car with my windows down, lifting my hands off the wheel and praising GOD!!!
To be the daughter of an AMAZING KING!
Oh i love him soo muchhh <3

Don't tell me....

2008-10-14T06:31:00.000-07:00

That I can't do anything, because......

deal!

1 John 4:7-21

2008-10-12T19:28:00.000-07:00

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son[a] into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
13 We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19 We love because he first loved us. 20 If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21 And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

I absoutly love this verse.
It honestly could mean tons of meanings.

i miss you

2008-10-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

So much it's incredible.
I miss playing "baseball" out in the field 7th period with our "crew" and using a tennis ball and tree relier thing as out bat that scott decided to "rob".
Oh man our fun times with the Met's vs. The Yankees team and you and I were always on the same team.

You became someone i trusted and someone i loved.
Someone who became closer to my heart than ever before.
It's like in high school we were meant to be friends and middle school just classmates. Geez, how i love you so much and all our fond memories.

I miss you Salman Iqubal <3
but i promise we'll be friends forever <3
i love you

to my dearest sister

2008-10-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

Why did you do that to yourself?
why did you try that again?
Why would you go back to the boy who tried killing you?
AMY WHY?!

Why can't you think on your own?
Why do you hurt yourself?
Why did you lie to Dad?
why did you lie to me?

You just couldn't be truthful. No of course not. The only good memories I have of us are when you were trying to destroy your life. Amy i've cried a thousand tears for you, but now I don't haven even one.

Why do you think that is amy? Why?

I'm done being the "older" sister when i'm the younger sister. I wish you would change your life, but I know you won't. Nor have you tried. Only God can help you now.

Because i'm done trying.

Oh how i fall

2008-10-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

more in love with you God.
Every single day of every single minute.
I fall more and more in love with you. forever <3

Where are all the accusers?

2008-10-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

Where are the people that accuse me?
The ones who beat me down and bruise me
They hide, just out of sight
Can’t face me in the light
They’ll return, but I’ll be stronger

God i want to dream again
Take me where I’ve never been
I want to go there
This time I’m not scared
Now I am unbreakable
It’s unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it’s hard to just keep going
But faith is moving without knowing
Can I trust what I can’t see
to reach my destiny?
I want to take control, but I know better

God i want to dream again
Take me where I’ve never been
I want to go there
This time I’m not scared
Now I am unbreakable

It’s unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

Forget the fear, it’s just a crutch
That tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust
All you need to do is just *trust
(trust, trust, trust)*

God i want to dream again
Take me where I’ve never been
I want to go there
This time I’m not scared
Now I am unbreakable
It’s unmistakable
No one can touch me
Nothing can stop me

God i want to dream again (I want to dream again!)
Take me where I’ve never been
I want to go there (I wanna go there)
This time I’m not scared
Now I am unbreakable (I am unbreakable!)
It’s unmistakable
No one can touch me (No one can touch me!)
Nothing can stop me

I really love this song.
It's amazing
It's cool
and it means alot to me.

Thank You

2008-10-06T06:56:00.000-07:00

God for everyone here at Masters.
For letting me not go home last night, and stay with them to watch the Steelers Game (even though i'm a Giants Fan).
For finally spilling my guts to why I was down all yesterday (after church)

I really really really....

2008-10-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

Love it here. So why is it that today I want to run away and just leave? I've been down all day. I haven't smiled and that's not normal. God what's with me today?

It's like i've forgotten who i am.
It's like I've been abandoned
It's like no one likes me and just wants tp punch me out.
It's like I'm under attack.
It's like I'm lost
It's like I really need GOD.
It's like I really need a hug.
It's like I really want a hug.

God, I really need your help!
God, I really want help!
God, HELP ME PLEASE!!!

All for love the father gave <3

2008-10-04T03:25:00.000-07:00

So today is the Bethelem human video which includes Addison, Leah, Jason, Heather, Beth and Me! Last night I couldn't sleep well, and I'm not sure if it was because I'm so nervous or that I was under attack. Well the only thing I know is that I called out to God the Whole night. Everytime I woke up I just said "God, let this human video go well and let my spirit have ease so that I can sleep". That's it. I actually woke up a little early this morning. If I wanted to I could of slept til 6:25 and took a shower and left and still made it to the church on time.

Well since that didn't happen, I'm going to go get a coffee and sit at the church.
Bye <3

I just wanted to say..

2008-10-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

I love you & all that you've done <3

Life's always a Journey...

is it normal?

2009 isn't what i hope it'd be

i don't

You

I'm human and I break

Something Old turns into a reflection thought...

New life, New Day

I'm tired of Defending what I've become

Done with Everything

battlefield.

devan k. staton

you are everything

maybe it's not them....maybe it's me

the fact of the matter is...

long island...

mysmile..yoursmile

i love you.

fighting

I miss you, David.

i can make it

You're not alone...

it's okay...

it's been a while.....

2009-03-10T10:45:00.000-07:00 i miss him.is this normal?

do i really not deserve to be happy?

stand in the rain....

i love you. endlessly

rebirthing

Time to say goodbye,

just a bunch of silly first years

david daniel dawson

why is this so hard?

RIP..tearing me apart.

all alone when I'm really not?

just a season.

all i want to do..

Sister from Penn-Del

growing up...

struggling.

letters<3

And I shed a few tears and everything becomes okay.

forever.

a new battle

pro's<3

i just want to hug my sister

Redemption

fighting

Long Island<3

Take me to the place Lord...

Is forever enough?

love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for.

astounding.

Get to know me better.....

SILENCE.....

It's time to dance

18

And Who will dry the tears that no one see's.

Welcome to Belize.

"she's mine, no mine" "I can't help it she's my best friend"

I will run the race set before me...

Hot Tea

One phone call.

I can't sleep.

i thank God for...

welcome 2009

Merry Christmas

James 1:12 <3

I need to keep blogging.

daddy daddy don't go

SCREAMING MY HEART OUT

Face.

venting!

how can?

Dear best friends,

Thanksgiving

I'm tired of...

It's been a while

hey guess what?!

Obama

2009-03-10T10:45:00.000-07:00
i miss him.
is this normal?